Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize