YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
