Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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