...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All I want is dick and wine.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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