She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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