i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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