I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
