The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
