her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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