did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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