I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
