You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
