Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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