Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
