I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I need a burrito and a hug.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize