i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
