What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
