theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is Oprah even human
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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