Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
