just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
