I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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