i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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