I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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