yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
