i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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