didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
