Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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