i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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