You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
