so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
