If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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