so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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