just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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