Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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