How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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