it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
