There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
