btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
