Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
