for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
