She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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