pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
