The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
