he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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