what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize