I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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