The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
