i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
