i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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