I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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