did you get engaged???
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
