My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
