I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize